“A witty saying proves nothing.” – Voltaire

Two weeks ago, I wrote about social intelligence and how the most important aspect of that is learning to listen. In this post, I’d like to look at the other side. Choosing your words can make or break an encounter with someone else. But doing so does not have to be hard.

In The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking (also available in South Africa), Dale Carnegie offers timeless advice on the subject. Ultimately, it’s good to know there are friendly people all over the place just waiting to converse (as long as you’re prepared to make an effort). So why not go up to them and try the following:

Be sincere

“All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.” – Cyril Connolly

Don’t use the conversation to show off how knowledgeable you are about things nobody might even care about. And don’t use it as a chance to complain about other people or your problems. In other words, don’t talk for the sake of talking. If you don’t have anything good to say, you’re better off not speaking at all.

Instead, be as neutral as possible. Start with something small like a sincere compliment or even something as clichéd as the weather. Or talk about any interesting movies you’ve seen lately. When it comes to dealing with people you’re just getting to know, it’s best to save the potentially controversial topics and heated opinions for later.

Be interested

“Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.” – Margaret Millar

Remember that the conversation is not about you, as much as you’d like that to be the case. Instead, make it about the other person. Ask people about their lives and take a real interest in what they have to say. When they ask the same of you, it’s time to make the connection.

Fact is we like what we know. Studies show we are actually more likely to give money to charity if the person asking for it happens to share our name. So find whatever similarities you can and make them known. It could be your background, interests, or even where your grandparents grew up. Common ground is a great way to build rapport.

Be open

“My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.” – George Bernard Shaw

Like I said in the previous article, relationship are ultimately about opening up and connecting. You can’t do that if you’re simply focused on keeping things strictly professional. That means even relationships with your classmates and colleagues need to have a degree of depth.

Take the time to get to know new people in your life. Slowly open up by sharing your life and encourage them to do the same. That builds trust. Sometimes you may hit a wall, in which case it might be advisable to simply keep things platonic. Even superficial relationships have their place. But wherever possible, try to find a connection and let it grow. Show love and support because that’s what we’re here for.

(For more resources and tips, download your free copy of “Work in Progress” exclusively from www.varsityblah.com/about and check this out too.)

“As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.” – Hagar the Horrible

There’s been a great deal of understandable concern over the rising price of food. It’s led to increasing conflicts all over the world (and even more confusion about what or who is to blame). Another less noticed problem is that of water. I recently read a fascinating article examining the possibility of water becoming more of a commodity than oil in the not to distant future. It’s a grim picture but it’s one we nevertheless need to be aware of.

(Eugene Yiga is the editor of Varsity Blah and his latest book is available free, exclusively from www.varsityblah.com/about)

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” – Stephen Covey

Meeting people is easy. In addition to the traditional ways like clubs, societies, existing friends, and other social groups, we now have the internet too. And provided we’re prepared to get out of our comfort zones, it shouldn’t be too hard.

But getting along with the people we meet is another matter. It’s something a lot of us struggle with. Ultimately, it all comes down to developing social intelligence. And ultimately, that comes down to three things:

Relax

Relationships aren’t meant to be taken seriously. So whenever it comes to approaching others, do as Thich Nhat Hanh suggested: “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” Don’t fold your arms, cross your legs, or scrunch up your face. Be approachable by keeping your body language open. Put your arms at your sides, stand up straight, and lean a little forward. Know that they will enjoy your company.

Listen

Most of us try too hard to come up with clever things to say. But instead of worrying about your words, why not shut up and take a minute to listen? Take an interest in what they do and who they are. It starts with remembering their names but goes a lot further. Ask a lot of questions and encourage them to talk about their lives and the things they’re going through. You’ll be surprised just how much diversity and depth lies beneath the surface.

Connect

This is the main aim of relationships. In this context, it starts with maintaining eye contact (without staring) but also goes a lot further. The goal is to connect with the thoughts and feelings other people are having. Oftentimes, rephrasing something they’ve said is a good way to show you understand the emotion behind the message. They’ll be far more inclined to connect with you if you’re prepared to show this level of commitment.

“No man ever listened himself out of a job.” – Calvin Coolidge

(For more resources and tips, download your free copy of “Work in Progress” exclusively from www.varsityblah.com/about)